Every now and then we all face events in our life that makes us anxious. It can be a performance, an exam, a question, conflict, memories of a lost friend or a potential loss of a friend. There are certain times where some of us experience this feeling of ongoing anxiety, which is called an anxiety attack. Our experience with anxiety attacks may be different for each person but what we all share in common is that it is not pleasant. A couple of weeks ago, I had my first anxiety attack and it was an experience I will never forget. It was something I do not want anyone to go through but I can't prevent that, so I will try my best to prevent you from feeling alone when you are going through it.
The Thoughts
Looking back, it all started with a simple thought of someone I cared for not caring about me. Yes, it seems trivial and the last thing I should be stressing about but it was the truth. The thought of this person not caring about me made me feel neglected, unloved and worthless. Though at the moment I did not see the connection, as I said looking back everything stemmed from that thought. During that period it was hard to focus on anything else but the idea that I was being left behind and with that came the list of people that have left me. It was as if my thoughts got darker and darker every day and I was not able to stop it. It went from self-hate to thoughts of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. I do have to say the self-harm thoughts were mainly from me feeling a lot of negative emotions and not having a safe outlet to express myself. With everything bubbling in me I felt like I was clawing on the inside and the only way out was to hurt myself.
Low on Energy I would love to say that these thoughts happened only during the day and that I slept like a baby at night. Unfortunately, that is not true I found myself awake most nights stressing over upcoming events or terrifying images I would see when I closed my eyes. Let me be honest, I did fall asleep at one point or another but most nights I found myself too terrified and stressed to sleep. During the days, I was not able to concentrate on the tasks needed for that day, it was tiring for me to exercise or just go from point A to point B. I isolated myself from my siblings, my friends and the communities I was part of. The isolation was a mix of me being too tired to socialize and also getting irritated a lot because I had a short fuse. I did have moments of hanging out with my siblings and talking to friends. I was not completely isolated for three weeks but the socializing and the bubbly energy was low than usual.
Physical Pain
Along the lines of feeling exhausted by body began to ache in several places. I was feeling joint pain and my right arm was feeling bit heavy and painful. I cannot say that these were due to the anxiety, especially my right arm but what I can say I as I was getting better the pain decreased. One way I noticed that there was something wrong was when I felt I was not able to take full breathes, I felt like I was breathing faster and my heartbeat elevated. There was one night where I felt as if my heart was going to beat out of my chest and I for sure was not going to make it to the next morning. I ended up walking around the house, drinking some water and laying on my bed till I fell back asleep. That goes to show that our body does tell us when something is wrong even if it is psychological and that we should take time listening to our body more often than we do.
This went on for three weeks and I personally did not know that I was having an anxiety attack till I spoke to an acquaintance that has experienced it many times and she was like "yeah that sounds like an anxiety attack". I just felt like a hot mess, felt worthless and felt like I was about to die. The part that bothers me the most is the self-harm part because the feeling of death was so heavy on me that I'm shocked that I did not hurt myself. I had a hard time talking to my friends about it because everything felt so trivial. It makes me wonder how many people are out there feeling like they are going to die or feels suffocated by their emotions that they feel the only way out is to hurt themselves. I have felt each of these signs individually and never together so I felt overwhelmed but it was not too alarming because I saw it as "Oh, it's just me being weak again." The truth is, ongoing anxiety is not something to be toyed with and is very dangerous. I'm saying this and you may not receive it now but whatever that is bothering and causing you to stress is not trivial, talk about it. Find a friend or sometimes talking to an acquaintance is better and let them know how you are feeling. You are not the only one who has experienced this and is not the only one experiencing it right now. There's a whole world of us and we are here for and with you.
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