The Boundaries Series is all about the necessary boundaries needed for a woman who is sexually attracted to a male friend that feels the same way about her but he has not shown any commitment. I believe a lot of us have been in situations where we met a guy and all of a sudden the flirting comes naturally, the late-night talks, the compliments and there was just a spark between you two. That part may feel great but the part where we get heartbroken is not fun at all. I have been through this quite an amount of times, I'm done with it and I'm sure you are too. So how do we guard ourselves against those situations? By putting up boundaries and today I wanted to discuss the boundary of not having conversations about a future together.
Ladies, let us be honest some of us already have our wedding venue on reserve and already fighting for baby names making sure no one else takes it even though we do not have a committed man. When Mr. Look Right comes along we slowly inject images and ideas into our conversations. We start asking "where would you like to raise your family?", "how many kids do you want?", "are you for a stay-at-home wife or a working wife?" , "would you consider spending the holidays with your in-laws?" or "What is your stand on divorce?". Yes, they make for interesting conversation starters and helps you get to know them and their vision in life but how many times did these questions come from a place where you have already said"yes I do" before they committed to you?
I understand the struggle of when you are vibing with this person and they are reciprocating your feelings, it's easy to throw terms out like "our kids", "our home" or calling each other names like "wifey", "babe", "hubby" or "bestie" without being officially a couple. In the heat of the moments, we jump ahead 5 years and imagine an entire life with them and we are checking the list for the future but not paying attention to the present. As humans, we all have tendencies to plan the future, talk about the future and neglect the present. Some people call it planning but in certain situations it's daydreaming and that is something you do not want to get into when he has not shown and verbalized a commitment to you. It's simply a recipe for heartbreak.
I have met a lot of guys who are all about the talk, they will say great things to you, make your heart skip a beat and make you feel like he is committing to you when he has never said it or does not intend to. Females are a lot more serious than guys and we attach a lot faster when it comes to romantic relationships so when we find someone that checks all the requirements, is "feeling" us and telling us what we want to hear we settle. This is why it is so important to put up boundaries so we do not fall into the trap of settling because of our feelings. We tend to believe that "we got his heart" so I'm good, no that's not the reality. A lot of women can get a man's heart but "love" is a decision made by the brain to stay committed to someone for the rest of your life. So if he has not made the decision to put effort into your relationship and verbalize that he wants to make things serious I will advise you not to take him and anything he says seriously. He is a regular male like the cashier at the grocery store, the man at the post office and your classmate. Do not jump ahead of yourself because he has feelings for you or sent you a good morning text.
When talking to him what you want to do is stay present and go over the facts of the friendship as facts without the feelings attached to them. You do not want to overthink what he says because most of the time he has not taught about it once whereas you have been thinking about it every hour of the day. Another way being present can look like and will definitely benefit the future is to treat him like a normal friend and nurture that friendship. Do not be afraid to look shabby around him or be perfect in his eyes. Intentionally, accept his video call while you are looking like a bum, with your messy bun, no makeup on or in your sweats. Also learn to strengthen the friendship because if you skip the friendship parts and jump straight to baby talk, well you found yourself a man but not a friend and that is something you do not want.
It took me a long time to understand the concept of stop planning weddings and looking for houses that both of you will like with these guys. To make it even more relatable stop looking forward to hanging out with him with your friends where you both do some cute couple things. The goal is to stay present and be friends till he commits, you may not get it the first time around but practice makes perfect. Enjoy your single life most of all and there is no need to rush! I would be back next time with another boundary that we can implement in our relationships. For now, I will love to hear some boundaries you have placed, some steamy situations you have been in and how it happened. Drop them in the comments and I look forward to reading them!
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