There should be some sort of nickname I use so you can understand the vibe I am in while talking with you. Today I am feeling very much like Aunty Rochelle giving life lessons to her favourite niece on boundaries us ladies should have, especially when we like a guy. There are plenty of boundaries out there because there are pleny of different relationships so it's perfectly fine if you feel like you keep relearning this concept of boundaries. Or if I keep blogging about this idea on how to set healthy limits in friendships so no one get hurt.
Couple years ago, I was learning the boundaries between male and female friends and that was a learning moment. Every experience you go through as a human is a learning experience and you should not shun the experience because it was hurtful or it did not go the way you wanted it to go. Instead capitalize on that experience, sit down and analyze where you went wrong and what can be done better the next time you are in that situation. In order to take advantage of the hurt I felt I want to help those coming up to this moment and those in it. I want to bear you the pain of going through it and I want to be a shoulder and a listening ear if you are hurting right now. What are some boundaries needed when there is a sexual attraction between you and a man that you are not dating.
There are 6 boundaries I have learnt and will share it to you in a series of blogs. The first one Aunty wants to share is, do not express a desire for him to him. I am going to repeat that again, do not express a desire for him to him. The reason for that is once they know you want them and want an experience with them you have placed something into their mind, into the friendship that you cannot take back. By expressing a desire for him you have opened a door where both of you can now relate to each other sexually.
The dictionary defines "sexually" as "a way that relates to the instincts, physiological processes, and activities connected with physical attraction or intimate physical contact between individuals." Though what was said was not considered to be an "intimate physical contact between two individuals" it does point the arrow there. It is foreplay, let us call it what it is. Telling a guy you just want to hug them, cuddle with them or whatever sexual fantasy you may desire causes an arousal in them and in you. This is actually backed up scientifically by a hormone called oxytocin which is sometimes called the happy or cuddle hormone. The more this hormone is released, the more you feel good and the more you will want more of it. This hormone is related to sexual arousal whether it is achieved through verbal speech, hugging or orgasm. So now, there's a sexual connection with this guy and you guys have had a verbal sexual experience with each other that made you feel great. We hear of this all the time, there are phone sex where two people arouse each other through the phone either by story telling, making sexual noises such as moaning and groaning or teasing the person. To take it a step further we now have access to social media platforms such as Snapchat, Instagram and we can video call. There may never be a physical contact but the arousal is there.
I have learnt recently that "giving ourself to someone" is not only done through the actual sex act but you can lose yourself by allowing someone to enter the intimate parts of you. In other words, we can be violated by someone by the way they speak to us and how they look at us. We have all heard, experienced or witnessed a moment where someone felt violated by another person simply because they glared at them a bit too long or said something dirty or inappropriate. These situations can turn into big cases and can be labelled as sexual harrassment though the person did not touch the other.
I have always wanted to keep that intimate side of me whether it is physically, emotionally or mentally for that person who I choose to live with forever. Sometimes we get so wrapped up with the current dude who is making us feel good that we do not see when we give these precious intimate parts away. I'll be the first to say that sometimes we choose to give it away because we want to be known and heard so we give too much of something they don't deserve yet away. I say yet because that man can be the right person but both of you have taken the required steps and decision to spend forever together. To feel loved we take a peice of ourself and give it to someone who have no intention of sticking around so they end up leaving with something impotant to you and you are left with yourself but a little broken and a little emptier.
Let's take the precaution from now. Let us make the decision now that we will not give the precious parts of us, our hearts away to someone who have decided and taken the steps to make forever a reality and not just a fantasy. It is not wrong to talk about it with your girls in a healthy manner and it is definetly okay to acknowledge that the guy turns you on or you find him attractive. In fact, take a minute and say it "I am attracted to [ name ] " and never hide it from yourself because when you do that's when it becomes more intensified and girl we know how dangeous that is.
Let me know what your thoughts are and some boundaries you have placed up in a situation where you and a male friend where sexually attracted to each other.
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